


even with my eyes closed

by ZainBAP



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Realism, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Mental Illness, OT6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2018-11-18 00:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11279688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZainBAP/pseuds/ZainBAP
Summary: It all starts when Daehyun shows up on Yongguk’s doorstep one night in late November, during the leader’s break.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I started writing last year when I missed Yongguk the most and needed an outlet, though I'm rewriting it into a proper mutli-chaptered fic. I've only posted short one-shots for this fandom till now, so I'm really excited to finally share this.
> 
> I'll make quite a few references to irl events, like SNS updates and interviews, since this is set on the canon timeline. I wanted to make it as believable as possible, but ofc I've gotta take a wild guess on some things. Plenty of headcanons ahead!
> 
> Big thanks to [thediebutterfly](http://thediebutterfly.tumblr.com/) for being my beta and cheerleader. Any remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> I'm [zainbap](http://zainbap.tumblr.com/) on tumblr :)

**November 2016**

 

 

First time it happens, it's an accident.

It's late, and the apartment is dark. Yongguk is on the couch, living room lit up by the TV's harsh light. He's turned the volume down so the voices are nothing more than a low mumble, easy to tune out. His eyes are on the screen, but he barely knows what he's watching. Some drama—romance, probably.

He's avoiding watching the news as much as possible, because it always lights the fire within him. Makes his fingers itch to reach for pen and paper to scribble down angry words. Words he can hear his own voice and five others sing perfectly in his mind. He's not supposed to do that; he's not supposed to _work_.

Yongguk struggled for a long time to separate himself from that term, to understand they're not one and the same. He's still learning how to look out the window without constantly searching for inspiration. How to take a shower without losing himself in stressful thoughts. How to call it a day and simply go to sleep.

The days come and go, some good, some bad. Today has been good; Yongnam came over in the afternoon and they went out for lunch. His brother is another version of himself, confident and bright. Yongguk finds himself trying to mirror him sometimes, trying to figure out what the secret is. But they're not the same person, despite how often twins are mistaken to be. Despite being cast from the same mold. Nevertheless, spending time with his brother always helps. Yongnam doesn't ask about the album, the songwriting, or the sales. It's easier to take a break from everything when he's with family; the people who knew him before.

It's harder when he's alone. Like now, with his eyes following people moving across the screen without registering what's going on. Because all he thinks about is the fact that promotions for Skydive are over, and his members will leave for Japan in a few days to promote their new single.

And he'll just… stay here.

Himchan still texts him most days, offering vague updates on what's going on and how the members are doing. Yongguk knows the temporary leader doesn't want to involve him too much; they're not supposed to, after all. Since the official announcement from TS, everyone has been told to give him space. The members aren't even using the group chat anymore, which they always do to discuss schedules during promotion weeks. He texts with Junhong, too, knowing the maknae longs for his return.

Sometimes Yongguk thinks he really knows what it's like to be a father.

He hasn't seen them for over a month now, and it's the longest they've been apart since the hiatus. But even back then, they were still working on their case. They were still working as a team of six, despite not always being together physically. Yongguk never felt as disconnected as he does right now. But then, that's kind of the whole point. He needs to learn to disconnect from his work and responsibilities, to sometimes just be a _man_ and not a producer, rapper, or leader. Learn what having free time means.

It's hard, and sometimes he wonders if it's all for nothing. If it'll even help at all, or if him leaving the members and fans for so many months will be nothing but wasted time in the end.

He'd shared that worry with his sister late one night, when it'd just been the two of them sitting on each side of her and Charu's table, with Tigger sleeping soundly in Yongguk's lap. Natasha had looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Last time, you locked yourself up in the studio and made a song about it. This time, you stepped out of the studio, and asked for a break. Asked for help. Do I need to tell you which one is the healthier option?"

She didn't. And he knows she's right. AM 4:44 is the perfect example of how consumed he is with his work, with creating music. It's all he knows. It's the only way he knows how to express himself. In hindsight, he feels like a fool for not seeing that song for what it was. What other people _did_ see it as, even back then. A desperate cry for help.

Yongguk isn't writing a song this time. Not yet, at least.

The buzz from the doorbell makes him jerk out of his haze, heart jolting in his chest. It takes a moment before he realizes what the sound is, always alarmed by it. He lingers for a moment, always uneasy about having to answer the door. It's definitely one of the cons of living alone. Reluctantly, he pushes himself up off from the couch and trudges down the hall.

It's not past midnight, but it's still too late for most people to be paying surprise visits. Yongguk doesn't get a lot of visitors, but if he does they're rarely unexpected. He likes being alone, but doesn't mind company as long as he gets time to prepare himself for it. His family and most of his friends understand this—the exception being Dindin, which right now makes him Yongguk's prime suspect.

He presses the call button next to the buzzer.

"Yes?"

 _"Hyung,"_ a familiar voice responds. _"Ah… Hi."_

Yongguk blinks in disbelief.

"Daehyun-ah?"

Hearing Daehyun's voice, even through the raspy speaker, makes something tug at Yongguk's gut. To say he's missed it would be weird, because he's been listening to his members' voices more than his own for the past five years—and maybe Daehyun's more than the rest—but… well. Despite how he enjoys the peace and quiet from having his own place, he sometimes feels suffocated by it. Sometimes his own thoughts gets louder than any note Daehyun can sing, though nowhere near as beautiful. Sometimes he misses being constantly surrounded by his loud members who always pull him back to reality.

_"Yeah, it's me. I— Can I come up?"_

"Ah," Yongguk says dumbly, gradually processing the fact that one of his dongsaengs is downstairs. "Yes. Sure. Come in."

He buzzes the door open.

The next second he looks down at himself and the clothes he's wearing—loose sweatpants and one of the big t-shirts he never gets to wear on stage. His hair is a mess, having been free of products for several weeks now. He's not sure when he last showered—this morning or yesterday. And while Daehyun has seen him a lot worse, he can't help but feel a sudden urge to show some kind of _progress_ on himself. Wishes that what he can't see for himself in the mirror, Daehyun will be able to see the moment he walks through the door.

He hears footsteps approaching from the other side, but the knock on his door somehow still makes him jump. Yongguk unlocks it with a click and pulls it ajar to reveal a wide-eyed Daehyun. The white light from the hallway makes his skin look too pale, his cheeks having gone slightly pink from the cold. He's wearing his blue jacket, the one his mom got him last winter. His hair is still the same dark blond as when Skydive got its first and only win on The Show.

"Hi, hyung," he says again, offering an uncertain smile. "I'm— I hope you weren't sleeping."

"I wasn't," Yongguk assures him, but can't help but frown. "What— What are you doing here, Daehyun-ah? Is something wrong?"

"No, no, no." Daehyun shakes his head hurriedly. "Nothing's wrong. This is not an… emergency, or whatever. I—" He drops his gaze to somewhere down by Yongguk's feet. "I'm sorry, hyung. I probably shouldn't—"

He cuts himself off, looking lost and unsure. _Small_.

Yongguk only stays motionless for a moment before stepping to the side and pushing the door wide open.

"Come inside."

Daehyun blinks, head snapping back up before he hurries to comply and slip past Yongguk into the apartment. Their arms brush.

There's a small light in the ceiling above their heads, providing just about enough light for Yongguk to see Daehyun's face properly when he turns back around after locking the door again. He rarely bothers to turn on lights when he's alone—saving energy and all that. He knows his way around the place anyway, though Natasha keeps saying it's bad for his eyes. Yongguk is just contemplating whether he should reach for the light switch when the younger speaks.

"Are you drinking?"

Yongguk blinks, baffled by the blunt question.

"No?"

"Sorry," Daehyun mumbles, a deeper blush creeping onto his cheeks as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "I didn't mean to sound… accusing _,_ or whatever. Shit. I'm just—" He lets out a heavy sigh, but the tension in his body remains.

Yongguk can tell he's upset—recognizes the body language like he would with any of his members. There's a tremor in Daehyun's voice, as if he's fighting back tears, and that realization makes something sharp tug at Yongguk's heartstrings. He's worried, but mostly confused, because he's not the hyung his dongsaengs usually go to for comfort. That's Himchan's job. Everyone loves Himchan, and Himchan loves taking care of people.

"I _want_ to drink," Daehyun blurts out. "Fuck, I want to just _drown_ myself in alcohol, like I used to do. And I haven't felt like this in a long time, but I'm _weak_ right now, and if you're drinking then I won't be able _not to,_ so I just—"

"Hey, hey," Yongguk interrupts his rambling, stepping up to put both hands on Daehyun's shoulders. Grounding him. The younger lets out a long, shaky breath, shoulders instantly sagging beneath Yongguk's touch. "It's okay. I'm not drinking. I'm… not allowed to, because of therapy."

"Oh," Daehyun breathes out, nodding slowly. "Right. Good. Thanks."

Then he falls silent, eyes lowered as he worries his bottom lip.

Yongguk's heart aches, because he remembers how bad it'd been toward the end of last year, when still preparing for their Matrix comeback. They all knew it was stress that made Daehyun turn to the bottle night after night, the pressure of coming back to the scene after an ugly lawsuit. His voice would crack during recordings; sometimes due to it being overworked, sometimes simply because Daehyun got too emotional. The drinking had been his way to cope, to push through, and Yongguk hadn't had the heart to scold him about it. None of them did.

"What's going on, Daehyun-ah?" He asks lowly.

Because Daehyun has expressed how much he regrets that time, and even stopped drinking altogether since then. He'd apologized to the members both on and off camera. He'd wanted to do better—to _be_ better—and it scares Yongguk to think something must've happened to make Daehyun want to turn to alcohol again. He suddenly feels guilty for not being around to see the signs, and wonders if Himchan has.

Daehyun opens his mouth, but shuts it immediately again. Yongguk patiently waits him out.

"I'm sorry, hyung," he mumbles finally, looking guilty as he looks back up. "I know I shouldn't be here. You're— I know we're supposed to leave you alone. But I—" He takes a new breath, his lips quivering on the exhale. The thickness returns to his voice. "I didn't know what else to do."

Yongguk hesitates. There's an uneasiness tugging at him, because he's not sure how to deal with this.

Their group is close—closer than most—but Daehyun is undoubtedly the member Yongguk spends the least time with alone. Some still call them the awkward ones, though Yongguk's not sure that's the word he'd use. He's always awkward on camera—doesn't matter who he's with. The reason his and Daehyun's relationship seems the most strained is simply because they're _so_ _different_.

Yongguk is quiet where Daehyun is loud. Yongguk prefers to be alone while Daehyun likes to surround himself with people. Yongguk hides his feelings deep inside, scared of getting hurt, while Daehyun wears his heart on his sleeve. Yongguk is black and white, and Daehyun is every color of the rainbow. And if there's a camera, Daehyun heads straight for it while Yongguk runs in the opposite direction.

But apart from the uneasiness there's also a warm protectiveness spreading from his chest, at the fact that Daehyun sought _him_ out rather than Himchan. Rather than _anyone_. Daehyun looks like a gust of wind could tip him over, and if he really came here instead of the closest liquor store, there's no way Yongguk could turn him away. He's supposed to be the pillar of this group, after all. For them to lean on when things get bad.

( And there's been a lot of bad. )

So he nods.

"Take off your jacket," he says, letting his hands fall from the younger's shoulders.

It's an invitation to stay, and Daehyun's eyes widen in surprise before he hurries to comply.

The members have only been to his apartment a handful of times, and Yongguk notices Daehyun's gaze wandering along the walls as they enter the living room together. The TV is still on, flashing its white light over the couch where Yongguk returns to his previous spot. Daehyun only hesitates for a second or two before sitting down next to him.

He starts to fidget immediately, and Yongguk doesn't even bother pretending to watch the TV. He sits halfway turned toward Daehyun, one elbow propped up against the back of the couch. He won't pressure Daehyun to start talking, but they both know that's why he's here.

"I'm sorry," Daehyun mumbles after a moment, gaze flickering between his own fumbling hands and his hyung's face.

"Yah, stop apologizing," Yongguk tells him gently. "You're not… disturbing me, if that's what you're worried about. I never forbid visits."

Daehyun shifts where he's sitting.

"I thought we weren't supposed to," he admits.

Yongguk shakes his head, brushing it off.

"Tell me what's wrong, Hyunnie."

Daehyun swallows visibly, avoiding Yongguk's gaze completely for a moment.

"I hate this," he says eventually, slowly glancing back up. "That you're gone. That we're not—" He stops to sigh. "This was _your_ album, hyung, and you were so proud of it. You were so excited for its release." Yongguk opens his mouth, to give whatever comfort he can come up with, but Daehyun rushes to continue. "I know! I _know,_ and I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to feel like this."

"No one is _supposed_ to feel anything," Yongguk says calmly. "That's not how feelings work."

"But I know I shouldn't," Daehyun insists. His voice rises in volume as he keeps talking, like it always does when he's upset. "You need this break. God, you deserve it. After everything— I know I'm being childish, but I'm just so used to you always being there. You're— You really are the heart of this group, hyung. It all feels wrong without you there."

He pauses, swallowing visibly. Yongguk wishes the sadness in his eyes wasn't so familiar, but it is.

It's true what Daehyun says, about Noir. Yongguk is proud of a lot of things they've done over the years, but this album is special. He remembers thinking they might not get to do a second full album at all, after coming back. But he'd worked his ass off to make it happen—had pushed himself to the limit, and beyond. Some of the songs were ones he'd wanted to make for _years_ , made from words gathering dust in his old notebooks.

But perhaps his own love for this album is what finally broke him. He's always been worried before any new release, about what the fans would think of new songs, but Noir was a whole other level. Yongguk has always had a hard time distancing himself from the music he creates. Someone dissing their songs always feels like a punch to his own gut, just like compliments feels like personal flatter. The last few weeks before Noir's release he could barely eat, too worked up by what everyone would think of the album—of _him_. Panic attacks had happened almost daily, and it was the one happening in the middle of dance practice that became the last drop.

"And I'm not… saying this to make you come back sooner," Daehyun adds after a moment. "I'll— I'll be okay, after this. I just— I needed to see you." He lets out a heavy breath, and this time his whole body slumps with it. "I missed you," he mumbles. "It's… why I'm here."

Yongguk isn't surprised by the confession, but still feels alarmed by it. He's never been good at talking about his feelings—or talking, period. It was the very first obstacle he had to overcome when starting the meetings with his therapist. Daehyun has always been good at it; always seems so confident in what he feels. Yongguk never is. He's always been socially awkward, better at reading books and newspapers than people.

But he can read his members, just like they can read him. They know each other too well by now. And he recognizes Daehyun's fidgeting for what it is: longing for physical contact. Because he knows how Daehyun _works;_ knows he uses touches almost as much as words when expressing himself. He knows the younger is holding himself back now, as he so often does when it's just the two of them. Knows that Daehyun would never sit this far apart on a couch if Yongguk was anyone else. Knows that if it was any of the maknaes, Daehyun would be halfway into their laps by now. And if it were Himchan or Youngjae, he'd be fumbling with their hands instead of his own.

He feels guilty whenever he thinks about it; how Daehyun probably wishes his leader could be as affectionate as the other members. Hell, they _all_ must wish that. Himchan openly complains about it, and just takes what he wants without asking. It should be awkward but somehow it isn't. Yongguk finds it comfortable, not having to be the one who initiates it. Can't be rejected, that way. But with the younger four, he kinda has to be. They respect him too much, well aware of how frugal he is when it comes to skinship.

Yongguk looks at his dongsaeng now, where he's curling into himself on the couch, and is suddenly overcome with emotion. Because Daehyun came here because he missed him. Because the leader's absence upset him so much he wanted to numb himself with alcohol again. Because right now he's restraining himself from reaching out, like Yongguk knows he wants to do. Knows he's probably wanted it since the moment he entered the apartment.

"Come here," Yongguk murmurs lowly, heart jolting at his own invitation, as he carefully opens his arms.

Daehyun doesn't miss a beat, just ducks his head down as he practically dives into his hyung's embrace. Yongguk lets out a small grunt as they collide, arms slowly wrapping around the younger's body. He's so much smaller than Junhong, limbs not as long or bony. He rests his head on Yongguk's shoulder, face hidden in the crook of the leader's neck. Yongguk can feel the heat of his breath against his collarbone.

"Thank you," Daehyun whispers.

Yongguk only hums in response, not sure what else to say.

He tilts his head slightly to the side, resting his jaw on the top of Daehyun's head. His hair tickles his nose, as well as Daehyun's familiar scent. Part of it is from the shampoo Himchan so often steals, but the rest is simply _him_. It's strange, Yongguk thinks, how another man's scent can feel so comforting. So at home.

Yongguk's gaze is back on the TV, but he's not paying attention. His focus remains with Daehyun, and the way his ragged breathing slowly evens out as his body gradually gets heavier. For a long moment neither of them say anything, and the low mumble from the TV is only accompanied by the distant sounds of traffic from the busy streets below. It's snowing again.

"I'm sorry, hyung," Daehyun finally says, like a broken record.

"Stop," Yongguk whispers back, his voice barely more than a deep vibration moving up his throat.

He can feel Daehyun swallow. Yongguk shifts the position of his arm, and he can feel Daehyun tense before he settles again. It makes his heart ache, realizing just how fragile Daehyun is right now. How he's still apologizing and expects to be pushed away, even now.

"I missed you, too."

Yongguk hadn't said it right away, because he doesn't want to say things he doesn't mean. Doesn't want to just say what Daehyun needs to hear. Wanted to be sure it was true before he said it back, and now he knows. Can feel it with his entire body.

Daehyun doesn't reply, only swallows again, but Yongguk is fairly certain he doesn't imagine how his body relaxes even further. Silence reigns once more, but it feels better this time. Yongguk would feel awkward if someone else was in the room, but with just the two of them, it's comfortable.

"I saw your broadcast," he admits a moment later. "The… lying down broadcast."

Daehyun lets out something between a chuckle and a sniffle, shifting a little without lifting his head.

"Oh," he mumbles, sounding embarrassed. "W-what did you think?"

"That no one actually goes to bed with that much makeup on," Yongguk deadpans.

Daehyun laughs this time, even if it's quiet and short-lived. The familiar sound makes something twist inside Yongguk's gut, and he finds himself smiling into Daehyun's hair.

"Ah, well," Daehyun sighs. "It's not like I could've done it bare-faced."

Yongguk wants to push and ask 'why not?' but he knows the answer. Knows that's not how this industry works. Knows Daehyun won't believe it no matter how many times someone tells him that he doesn't need makeup to look beautiful. Even if it's true.

"I've tried it before," he says instead. "ASMR," he clarifies. "Didn't work."

"Oh," Daehyun breathes out.

Yongguk hums, wishing he'd had a more cheerful response.

"But thanks," he adds, "for thinking about me."

Daehyun hesitates once before speaking. Yongguk can feel the halt in his breath.

"I'm always thinking about you."

Yongguk doesn't know how to respond to that, doesn't know what it means.

He blinks, gaze still on the screen. His eyes are starting to sting with exhaustion, and he recognizes the feeling of tiredness slowly seeping into his body. Before, he never took it as his cue to go to bed, but rather to stay up for another three hours. It still makes him itch a little, going to bed so early now, but he understands why he should. Why you have to sacrifice some hours to lie in bed, even if you don't fall asleep right away.

"Do the others know you're here?" He asks then, reminded by the late hour.

"Yeah," Daehyun rasps. "Himchan-hyungie does."

Yongguk hums once again, picturing Daehyun standing with Himchan in the dorm's kitchen, saying that he's going over to Yongguk's place, and wonders what Himchan's reaction had been. The brief thought makes heat rise to his cheeks, though he's not entirely sure why.

Promotions may be over, but he knows they still have a few radio shows and fansigns to attend before leaving for Japan, and Yongguk feels the urge to remind Daehyun of his upcoming schedules. The leader part of him wants to order Daehyun to head back to the dorm to try get some sleep, but the rest of him doesn't want to send him away. And he can't tell whether it's for Daehyun's sake, or his own.

Daehyun's hair is soft against his cheek, and part of him wants to reach up and run his fingers through it, but he doesn't.

He thinks about it though— _really_ thinks about it. About the fact that Daehyun might be the last person on earth to reject his touches. He thinks back on all the times he's seen Daehyun sit in Jongup's lap, hold Himchan's hand, or slide his arm around Youngjae's waist like it's the easiest thing in the world. He thinks about how happy and at ease Daehyun looks whenever he gets to be his clingy self with the people he cares about. He thinks about the hesitation on Daehyun's face whenever he's eyeing the empty chair next to Yongguk at an interview or fansign.

Yongguk thinks about all of that, and only hesitates for a moment longer before sliding one of his hands up Daehyun's spine to cup the back of his head, thumb brushing along the thin line of hair at the back of his neck. He feels Daehyun shudder against him, melting into his touch. Carefully, Yongguk threads his fingers through Daehyun's hair up to the top of his skull.

"I'm glad you came here," he rumbles, voice unusually deep, "instead of drinking."

Daehyun nods into his shoulder, sniffling quietly.

"Me too."

Yongguk wants to say something more, wants to comfort his dongsaeng even further, but doesn't know how. Perhaps he's doing enough. Perhaps Daehyun doesn't need his words as much as his touch tonight.

His eyelids are getting heavy, so he lets them fall closed. With his vision gone his remaining senses heighten, and the weight of Daehyun's body pushing him back against the couch is suddenly the only thing he can feel. The only thing that exists. He feels Daehyun's hot breath curl over his exposed collarbone, and a hesitant hand grasping at the fabric of his shirt.

It's the last thing he remembers.

 

 

 

 

Yongguk is familiar with power naps—drifting off for an hour or two just to keep himself going. That kind of sleep is easy to wake up from, his mind still alert when the alarm goes off. And despite how he's actively trying to fix his sleep schedule now when he's on break, he can still only sleep for short periods of time before waking up again. It's like his body has grown used to living that way, never shutting down properly. He's used to that kind of sleep.

He is not used to _this_.

Gradually, he grows aware of the distant sounds of Seoul outside his apartment, the busy traffic and people chatting in the streets below. It takes a while before it even occurs to him that he's there. That he's anywhere at all. That he's _waking up_. Slowly prying his eyelids open, Yongguk tries to blink the sleep out of his eyes. He expects to be met by the ceiling of his dark bedroom, but instead finds the living room invaded by daylight. So he fell asleep on the couch, then. It's not the first time. Yet he doesn't feel like he usually does after a quick nap. His body feels… heavy. Sated. _Weighted down_. He's just about to stretch his arms when realizing that he _can't_.

Yongguk frowns and looks down his body, going rigid upon finding Daehyun curled up against him. The boy appears to still be sleeping, using his hyung's chest as a pillow where he's tucked between Yongguk's side and his right arm. He's still got the older's shirt clutched in a fist resting on top of Yongguk's stomach, rising and falling in time with his breaths.

It's been years since Yongguk woke up with someone in his arms, and this is _Daehyun_. His dongsaeng, his lead vocalist, his… _friend_.

The word sounds wrong, even inside his own head, but Yongguk can't think of a better one. Can't think of a word to describes what he feels toward Daehyun right this moment, when staring down at the boy's face—what little he can see of it beneath the mop of hair—as he recalls what happened last night. He wonders if he was the first to fall asleep, and if so, how long Daehyun stayed awake before he followed. If he even planned on going back to the dorm at all, or chose to stay. Yongguk's heart does something funny at the thought.

He cranes his neck to glance at the clock on the wall, but can't tell the time from this angle. And he doesn't dare reaching for his phone on the coffee table, in case it'll wake Daehyun up. So he stays where he is, lying perfectly still, with his heart beating a little too fast against his ribcage. He finds it incredible that Daehyun can't feel it poking against his cheek.

Or maybe he does, because moments later the younger lets out a long sigh through his nose, shifting where he's secured against Yongguk's side. Yongguk holds his breath, not sure if he should pretend to still be sleeping or not. Not sure what Daehyun will _do,_ once they're both awake. He knows Himchan and Jongup wake up together on a regular basis, and wonders how they do it. How they just casually untangle themselves before going on about their day like normal. Yongguk wishes he knew.

Daehyun makes a small noise somewhere at the back of his throat, and it makes something stir inside Yongguk's gut. The hand that's been holding onto Yongguk's shirt lets up its grip, hand twitching where it still rests on Yongguk's belly. Another slow intake of breath, before Daehyun goes perfectly still, and Yongguk knows he's awake.

"Fuck!" Daehyun exclaims, bolting upwards. Yongguk's heart skips a violent beat when Daehyun suddenly pushes away from him, out of his hold. He instantly lets go, letting Daehyun put as much distance between them as he wants to. As much as he _can,_ without falling off the couch. "What time is it? I'm— I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"It's okay," Yongguk says, voice hoarse and—for once—thick with sleep. He hurries to sit up, as well. "I— It's okay."

But it isn't, because Daehyun isn't looking at him—is looking anywhere _but_. His gaze finds the clock on the wall, and stands up from the couch to be able to see it properly. There's red creeping onto his cheeks, and he's looking mighty embarrassed.

"I-I need to go," he stutters, clapping the pockets of his pants to locate his phone. Still actively avoiding Yongguk's eyes.

Yongguk swallows, heart dropping as a cold wave of _worry_ instantly washes over him.

Because he never thought of what the consequences would be last night, when breaking whatever unwritten rule they'd set up for the two of them. He never considered how things would change once the night was over, and a new day began. He didn't stop to think about what it'd be like to look at Daehyun from now on, across the stage or in the practice room, while still remembering how he'd felt curled up against him. How he'd clutched at Yongguk's shirt even in his sleep, as if scared he'd let go.

"Of course," Yongguk drawls, gaze dropped to somewhere on the floor. "You should hurry back."

Daehyun remains motionless for a moment, and Yongguk waits for him to say something— _anything_ —but then he's moving again. Then he's rushing out of the room, out of the apartment.

"See you, hyung," he mumbles, almost too quiet for Yongguk to hear, before he's gone.

 

 

 

 

B.A.P goes to Japan, promoting Fly High, and Yongguk stays behind.

He follows their progress, of course. Watches the live streams and music shows they appear on, creeps on social media way more than he should to see how well received the new songs are by their Japanese BABYz.

He does not hear from Daehyun.

There's a stirring in his gut every time Yongguk sees his face on screen. Every time he laughs his carefree, beautiful laugh while teasing the other members. It hurts, to see Daehyun be his usual bright self with them, when remembering how distant and unsettled he'd been before fleeing Yongguk's apartment only a few days prior.

It makes Yongguk's whole body flush hot with shame and regret, every time he thinks about it.

He doesn't sleep well, although that's nothing new. But it's different now. Sometimes when he closes his eyes, he feels the ghost of Daehyun's body against his, the small puffs of air against his collarbone. So he spends hours staring up at his ceiling, convincing himself that he's the only one who feels weird about it. That Daehyun barely thinks about it, too busy getting the same kind of affection from the other members. That the night they accidentally spent together, holding on to each other, is nothing special.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**December 2016**

 

 

_'Name a song you want to sing to Yongguk-oppa?'_

Daehyun blinks down at the post-it note, rereading the sentence twice more just to make sure he's not misunderstanding. Next to him Himchan laughs at something the fan said, and further down the table Junhong is apologizing for misjudging a noona's age.

He looks up, and the girl in front of him smiles shyly. He smiles back, trying not to look as bewildered as he feels.

"Ah," he says, looking back down at the question.

He can't help but wonder if she asked the same question to any of the others, or if it's just for him. It probably is, and the thought makes heat rise to his face. For a moment his mind goes completely blank, helplessly trying to come up with an answer. Song titles and lyrics fly through his head, heart skipping a beat to some of them.

After hesitating for a long time, he eventually lowers his pen to the small piece of paper.

_Kim Bum Soo - To Me_

 

 

 

 

"Yah," Youngjae says, digging his toes into Daehyun's thigh. "What's up with you?"

Daehyun tries to move away from Youngjae's attacking feet, despite being crowded against the other armrest of the couch already. Youngjae is on the other end, leaning his back against the armrest and stretching his legs out across the seats. Or rather: he's half-heartedly _pretending_ to stretch, when really he's just being a bother.

"Nothing," Daehyun mumbles, eyes still on the TV despite the episode being over. Distraction gone.

"You just seem… tense, recently." Youngjae sounds thoughtful. "Are you having trouble sleeping again?"

Something twists inside Daehyun's gut, hot and tight.

"I'm fine," he insists, pushing Youngjae's feet off the couch. "Let's watch another."

 

 

 

 

In Japan, Daehyun rooms with Jongup again. Youngjae calls dibs on Junhong. Himchan gets a room all to himself.

Himchan pretends it doesn't bother him, even laughs and says he's happy about it, but Daehyun isn't fooled. He knows Himchan misses Yongguk in a different way than the rest of them. Misses one of his closest friends. Misses the other half of what's been holding the whole group together for the past five years.

Because while the leader always took care of the group's music and productions, Himchan took care of _them_. While Yongguk spent days and nights in the studio, Himchan had been _right here_. The rock for them to lean on. Always. Even after he hurt his wrist and couldn't be part of the One Shot promotions, he'd wanted to stay in the dorm with them. Yongguk may be the official leader, but when it comes to the responsibility of taking care of the group, Himchan is undoubtedly his partner.

Daehyun knows this, despite how jealous is makes him feel at times. Knows that there are some things, some worries, that Yongguk only shared with Himchan in the privacy of their shared hotel rooms. And now that Yongguk is gone, Himchan has to carry everything on his own two shoulders. Has to room alone, so no one else will feel left out.

"You can talk to me," Daehyun had tried to tell him a while back. "If it gets too heavy. I'm second hyung now, I could help."

But Himchan had just smiled softly and shaken his head. Because that's what Kim Himchan does.

"Thanks, Daehyun-ah, but don't worry. I can handle it. Trust hyung."

And Daehyun _does_. Because despite his constant teasing and seemingly immature nature, Himchan understands when it's serious.

Himchan is the only one who knows he was with Yongguk, that night. Everyone had been asleep when Daehyun ran back to the dorm the next morning, heart in his throat, and when Junhong later wondered where he'd disappeared to last night, he'd managed to shrug and say he'd stayed late at a friend's. Which wasn't _completely_ untrue, he supposes, but still feels like the biggest lie he's ever told.

Himchan hadn't called him out, only asked him in private later what happened. Daehyun just replied he'd accidentally fallen asleep on Yongguk's couch, trying to seem nonchalant whilst recalling the warmth of Yongguk's arm around him. Himchan had looked surprised, but didn't press him for a different answer. Daehyun is grateful.

 

 

_everything that was waiting for you;  
countless opportunities and eternal passion_

 

 

Sleepy releases his new single while they're still out of Korea, but Daehyun tweets about it. He gets along really well with Sleepy, and Dindin. They're outgoing and excitable, just like him. At first he'd found it strange, how different Yongguk's was from his closest friends. But Yongguk is different when he's with them, too. Lighter. Sillier. Talkative. Maybe because he's not in the position of leader, or the oldest. Daehyun really tries not to be jealous of them for spending a lot of time with Yongguk during his break. Most life signs of Bang Yongguk come from their social medias.

A few days before the single release, Sleepy posts a selca with Yongguk on his instagram. Daehyun sees it first, but pretends not to. Himchan and Junhong don't hesitate to like it, and laugh as they read the comments mostly containing of babyz screaming over Yongguk. Junhong comments 'OPPA IM MISSING U' in English. The phrasing is a playful imitation of the fans, but they all know he means it.

Daehyun doesn't even dare to tap the heart. Because he's not sure what it'd mean, coming from him.

 

 

_countless despair and endless loneliness;  
everyone feels this way once in a while_

 

 

On the outside, Daehyun is pretty sure he comes across as normal—as his usual loud, happy self. He still plays around with the members, posts bright selfies and waves happily to fans waiting at the airports and release events. And it's not at act—not entirely. The members and babyz have always been his main source of happiness and strength.

But when he's got no maknaes to tease, or fans to smile at, Daehyun's thoughts often turn darker.

Their hiatus was undoubtedly the worst time of Daehyun's life. He'd felt like his dream had shattered into a million pieces, and that he'd never be able to put it back together again. He'd felt alone, so far away from everything. The fans, the members, the stage. It had felt like a big, black hole in his chest, a void that only grew bigger as time went on. He'd felt helpless and small in a big, cruel world.

Which is why he'd done those performances, on his own, in an attempt to remind himself that he could still do that. That he could still _sing_. He got to stand on stage again, meet the babyz, and the pouring rain had only barely covered up his tears. But it also made him realize that his dream wasn't just to stand on stage and sing anymore, but to do it alongside his five members. Despite the company being the ones to put them together, Daehyun can't help but feel it must've been fate. Because now he can't imagine being a singer, without being tied to the rest of them.

And that's why he'd put the full name of their group permanently on his skin, even when B.A.P's future was still so uncertain. He'd wanted to make them eternal. It meant everything to Daehyun for them to come back last year, all six of them.

But ever since Yongguk's condition had grown rapidly worse, until finally six had become five while he took a break, Daehyun feels as if a piece of that dark void inside him is still there. Even though Yongguk assured them that he would come back, Daehyun hasn't been able to shake off the worry that maybe he won't after all. That 'still we are six' would only last for barely a year.

For someone who takes up absolutely no space at all, the rooms feel strangely empty now when Yongguk isn't with them. Even with five members gathered for their schedules, it feels like half the group is missing. Despite how little he speaks in front of the camera, every video message without him feels lacking and too quiet. And when they perform Young Wild & Free, four hands holding him up, Daehyun still expects to fall.

He misses the leader's powerful presence, the weight of his watchful eye. Misses how it always motivates him to do better and be more mature. Sometimes he feels pressured by it, but he misses even that feeling. Misses how reassured he feels whenever Yongguk is in control, trusting the leader to lead them well and get through whatever comes next.

And as if just missing him hadn't been bad enough, now Daehyun can't get the sound of Yongguk's voice saying _I missed you too_ out of his head.

Daehyun's face gets hot with embarrassment every time he thinks about that night, and he thinks about it _a lot_. He's ashamed of himself, for being so weak and selfish. For showing up on Yongguk's doorstep to spill his problems as if the man didn't have enough on his plate already. He hadn't even cared to ask how Yongguk was doing, despite not having seen him for a month. He'd been overwhelmed by suddenly being so close to Yongguk again, to be sole focus of his attention. And then he'd fallen asleep, still pressed against Yongguk's side.

Whenever the thought pops up in his head during the day he wants to groan loudly at himself in embarrassment, but has started to cover it up by furiously humming on random melodies. The members find it incredibly annoying.

He regrets visiting Yongguk that night, terrified that he's broken something that can't be fixed. Something that was already fragile to begin with.  He's scared of what Yongguk thinks of him now, and how things will be next time they see each other. Will Yongguk tell someone? Himchan, maybe? Or the whole group? Will he laugh about it? Or will he just quietly distance himself from Daehyun to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Daehyun can't decide which is worse.

 

 

_sometimes you lose everything  
and sometimes you fall_

 

 

Halfway into December, Youngjae and Daehyun are in the dorm's kitchen, the second episode of Youngjae and Jaebum's Celebrity Bromance just ending on Jongup's borrowed laptop. They're laughing at something said during the preview for next week's episode, as Youngjae gets up to make more coffee. Daehyun remains seated, gaze lingering on the screen while his thoughts drift. Slowly, his smile fades, and he takes to worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

"Are you really that open-minded?" He asks a moment later.

Youngjae looks back at him over his shoulder, pausing where he's standing by the counter. He looks thoughtful for a second, though not confused, so Daehyun assumes he knows what he's talking about. Knows he's referring to the part where Jaebum found it awkward to visit a couple's cafe as two boys, and how chill Youngjae had been about it.

"Why'd you ask?" Youngjae finally asks, rather than answering the question.

Daehyun isn't prepared for that, so no words come out when he parts his lips. Then he panics—about the stretched silence and what Youngjae may interpret it as—but Youngjae continues before he can blurt out a comeback.

"I mean," he says, turning back to the coffee maker. "I _know_ why you'd ask. I just… wanted to see if you'd tell me, I guess."

It's so far from anything Daehyun ever expected Youngjae to say, and he's left frozen for another moment of terrible silence. It feels like time slows down, and Daehyun just stares at the back of his best friend's head while his heart races. Youngjae doesn't seem troubled by the lack of response, as if expecting the pregnant silence to follow his words, and calmly finishes loading up the coffee maker.

Daehyun doesn't find his voice until Youngjae turns around and lean back against the counter, their eyes finally meeting again.

"You know?"

It's barely a whisper, but it's enough. Enough to make it real.

Something flickers across Youngjae's face. Not surprise, exactly, but _something_.

"I wasn't sure," he says, voice weirdly tense. Daehyun doesn't like it. "But yeah." And as if he's able to hear the way Daehyun's pulse speeds up, he hurries to add: "It's okay. I meant what I said on the show."

Daehyun tries to be relieved, but can't really feel it. He's too busy processing the fact that Youngjae _knows_.

Someone. Knows.

"I… don't know what to say," Daehyun admits.

"Okay," Youngjae says, nodding. Like it's that simple. Like it _doesn't matter_. "You don't have to say anything."

Somehow that feels worse, for them to just leave it on that note, but Daehyun truly can't come up with anything to say. Anything that'd make sense for him to tell Youngjae. He feels as if Youngjae should be asking for an _explanation_. Feels like he should be defending himself and his feelings right about now, but instead there's just Youngjae pouring them both more coffee.

And part of Daehyun is grateful, wants to change subject as soon as possible and forget this even happened. But—

"You won't tell anyone, right?"

—he knows he won't be able to sleep without making sure.

Youngjae stills, looking _disappointed_ , somehow.

"Of course not." When Daehyun doesn't respond, his voice goes all serious and full of emotion. "Dae, I wouldn't."

"Okay," Daehyun says stiffly, trying to remember how to breathe again.

Then Jongup and Himchan stumble inside the flat, laughing and shouting. Both Youngjae and Daehyun flinch, pulled out of the moment. Daehyun immediately lowers his gaze and holds onto his refilled mug with both hands, acting like he doesn't notice the secret look Youngjae tries to give him. He gives up soon enough, and when the newly arrived duo join them in the kitchen, they both act like nothing is amiss.

 

 

_there’s only darkness left before you now  
but this is not the end_

 

 

He expects things to change after that, but they don't. Youngjae doesn't look at him differently, doesn't stop leaning into his space when they're on the couch together. Doesn't stop teasing him or letting their singing practice turn into long, serious talks late into the night. He still talks about how pretty girls are, how cute puppies are, and how annoying it is to be stuck on the same level of League.

It's nerve-wracking at first, because Daehyun can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. But it never does, and eventually he's able to relax and only feel relieved at how his best friend doesn't let this change anything. Doesn't let it change _them_.

Even with their promotions being over, they have a concert at the end of the year coming up, so most of their afternoons are spent in their practice room with the PLAY members. It's fun but tiring, and they're all constantly amazed by Junhong's stamina, playing around and dancing to girl group songs long after everyone else's energy has run out. Daehyun films it once and posts on his instagram, wanting to expose him, but the maknae has no shame.

Daehyun discovers shopping as a way to relieve stress. It makes him feel more confident when looking into the mirror, and he decides the money is worth it. It's a lot better than to spend the same amount on alcohol, only to regret it with every fiber in his body the next day. Daehyun never wants to go back to that. So he keeps doing everything he can to distract himself from the dark thoughts urging him to drink.

Sometimes, all he needs to do is recalling Yongguk whispering _I'm glad you came here_ next to his ear.

He and Youngjae have talked about doing a spicy mukbang for ages, and finally decide to do it one evening after Music Bank. Himchan joins them a little later, turning it into a proper eating show. It's fun—laughing with babyz and his members while screaming about Fire Chicken Noodles. It's the happiest Daehyun has been for a long time. The three of them go well together—all of them loud and never far from laughter. Daehyun always feels the most comfortable when surrounded by friends like Youngjae and Himchan.

 

 

_a bit of pain becomes a part of your mind  
we all know that_

 

 

Daehyun always feel lonely on Christmas. It's the time for happy couples, and it's been a long time since he had a girl to call his girlfriend. And even back then, it'd been puppy love. Before he really knew what love even was, or what kind of it he wanted for himself.

On Christmas Day, Himchan finds him sitting in front of the TV watching reruns of a boring drama, alone. The maknaes are out with friends, and Youngjae is gaming in his room. They can hear him shouting through the walls.

"Alright," Himchan sighs dramatically. "I'll take you out for dinner."

Daehyun almost hurts himself rushing off the couch.

They have a nice dinner, which Himchan doesn't hesitate paying for, and go out for drinks afterwards. They sit outside under the starry sky, surrounded by pretty Christmas lights and decorations. Daehyun feels a surge of affection towards Himchan, for not letting him mope by himself all night.

Perhaps that's why he feels perhaps just a little too confident later, after having finished his first beer. He doesn't really drink anymore, not nearly as much as he did in the past, but he's allowing himself tonight. He doesn't worry, because he and Himchan were always the ones looking out for one another when one of them got too drunk in the past. He trusts that hasn't changed.

Himchan is talking about girls. About ex-girlfriends. Future ones. And Daehyun tries to nod in all the right places. Tries to appear like he knows exactly what Himchan means. But he doesn't, and he feels more and more guilty as time goes by. Because he feels like he's lying to Himchan's face, while Himchan is being brutally honest.

"I like boys," he admits on an exhale, heart in his throat. "I think maybe— I think I like boys more than girls."

Himchan's eyes widen almost comically, and Daehyun probably would've laughed if he didn't feel like throwing up. Instead he just swallows audibly and looks down into his drinking glass, avoiding Himchan's stare. His heart is slamming against his ribs.

"I just wanted hyung to know," he mumbles.

There's a long, terrifying pause. He can see Himchan glance around them, as if make sure no one had overheard. Daehyun feels his face go hot at the thought, and a small panic stir inside his chest as his own recklessness. Thankfully, there's no one sitting close enough to hear them. Himchan settles down again, but remains quiet for another moment.

"Why?" He asks eventually, tone unreadable.

The question makes Daehyun feel even more uneasy.

"Because I thought you wouldn't mind," he mumbles, fumbling with his glass. "That you'd… be okay with it, I guess."

He'd been so sure of it, but now doubt is consuming him.

"I don't mind," Himchan says after a moment, but his voice is stiff.

Daehyun swallows and nods, throat feeling tight.

"Thanks," he says, still looking down into his empty glass.

It hurts to swallow. _Everything_ hurts. His whole body feels tense, on edge, and for one horrifying moment he wonders if it'll ever go away. This feels different than it did with Youngjae. Maybe because he actually said it out loud this time. Maybe because, despite their constant bickering, he's got a different kind of respect for Himchan than he does for Youngjae. Somehow, this feels awfully close to telling his _parents_ , and that thought is almost enough to make Daehyun's heart stop.

Himchan sits quiet for a moment, looking thoughtful, and it's absolutely nerve-wracking.

"Are you secretly dating?" He finally asks, studying Daehyun's face. "Is that why—"

"No," Daehyun says, quick to shake his head. "There's no one—" He takes a new breath, heart stuttering. "I'm not dating. I wouldn't— I don't wanna cause a scandal, hyung."

"I didn't mean it like that," Himchan assures him. "Just— If you _were,_ and needed someone to cover for you, I'd do it."

Daehyun breathes out through his parted lips, feeling his heart clench and swell at the same time.

"Thank you, hyung," he says quietly, really meaning it this time.

Silence reigns again, and Daehyun tries to relax a little. It's tough, but he believes Himchan.

"Are you gonna tell the others?" His hyung asks eventually.

Daehyun hesitates.

"Youngjae knows. I… think," he adds with a frown, because that conversation had still been horribly vague. But he's positive they were talking about the same thing. "The maknaes… I don't know."

Himchan nods slowly.

"Bbang?"

Daehyun's heart jolts.

"I don't know," he rasps.

Himchan tilts his head to the side. There's an attempt at a weak, reassuring smile.

"He wouldn't care, Daehyun-ah. He's the one with least prejudice of us all, remember?"

Daehyun looks away, trying to stop the heat from rising to his face. His heart is hammering against his ribs.

"I'm just scared, hyung," he whispers. "You're… the first one I'm actually telling."

Himchan looks surprised at that. It takes a moment, but then he just smiles warmly. Daehyun has never felt so relieved to see Kim Himchan smile.

"This won't change anything, you know."

It's said with fondness, and Daehyun suddenly feels like crying.

"I don't want it to," he croaks.

He doesn't want Himchan to stop touching him during interviews. He doesn't want them to stop bantering or tease each other like they always do. He doesn't want his hyung to feel awkward around him. Like he's something fragile, or alien.

Himchan nods once, bringing the glass back up to his newfound smirk for another sip.

"Good."

 

 

_stand up, gather your strength  
don’t give up_

 

 

They're in the living room, four guys squeezed into one couch, waiting for food to arrive. Youngjae's hair is still wet from the shower, Daehyun wearing his old hoodie with holes in it. Jongup is talking, his voice easily drowning the ones coming from the TV. Himchan is looking down at his phone, tapping away at the screen, but hums in all the right places, so he must still be paying attention to what Jongup is saying.

When all their phones beep at the same time, they all pause. Daehyun feels his vibrate in his pocket, but doesn't go for it. Because they know it's the group chat, and Himchan is most likely already opening up the app.

"Let me guess," Youngjae sighs. "Junhongie posted another selca."

"With Mochi," Daehyun adds, eyes on the TV.

Himchan blinks.

"It's Bbang."

Daehyun's head snaps up, his heart missing a beat.

"What's he saying?" Jongup asks, while Youngjae just hurries to open up the chat for himself.

"That he wants to meet up," Himchan says, a smile growing on his lips. "All of us. He's suggesting dinner tomorrow."

Daehyun swallows.

"We can, right?" Youngjae asks, clearly excited. He's looking at Himchan. "We only got acrobat practice in the morning."

Himchan doesn't have the chance to reply before Junhong barges through the front door, looking bewildered. He's got the dorm's key in his hand, despite that he's not really supposed to have it anymore.

"Did you guys—"

"Yes, Junnie," Youngjae tells him. "We saw it. Jesus, did you freaking _teleport_ here, or what?"

"I ran," Junhong simply says. He plops down on the floor, sprawling his long limbs everywhere while catching his breath. "Well, we _can_ , right?"

"Of course," Himchan assures them, tapping the screen and starts typing. "As if I'd pass up an opportunity to feed him."

They all huff, amused and excited. Daehyun tries to join in, but it sounds stiff. No one seems to notice.

 

 

_go towards the future unfolded before you  
run till the end_

 

 

They meet up at the place Yongguk suggested the following day. It's a cozy restaurant with secluded booths, and they've gone there a couple times before. Sometimes just the six of them, but also for big company dinners with their staff.

Youngjae volunteers to drive, so they all cram into his car. Daehyun sits in the front, trying to not feel guilty about not being as carelessly excited as Junhong in the back. He _is_ excited to see Yongguk again—of course he is—but more than anything he's _anxious_. His heart is clenching painfully every other minute, and there's a constant heat simmering in his lower belly.

"What if he looks different?"

"It's been two months, Junhong-ah," Himchan scoffs. "He's not gonna look much different."

"But what if he does?" The maknae persists. "What if he changed his hair? What if he got another buzz cut?"

"He said he wanted to grow it out," Youngjae reminds him.

"What if he got another tattoo?" Junhong goes on. "He talked about getting one."

Daehyun doesn't join in on the conversation, too busy thinking back on how Yongguk had looked when _he_ last saw him, barely four weeks ago. How he still had the strands of color in his bangs from the Noir concept, his hair still dark and long. How he had seemed more relaxed than Daehyun ever remembers seeing him.

Yongguk is waiting for them outside the restaurant, wearing his DEUX cap and long jacket. He smiles before they even reach them, before they're within hearing distance. Junhong is the first one to tackle the leader in a hug, and Yongguk doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the maknae's back in return.

"I almost forgot how tall you are," he mutters once they separate.

Junhong laughs, looking almost hesitant to step aside and let Himchan through. The two oldest embrace warmly, clapping each other on the back while chuckling. Daehyun feels his heart swell at the sight, and when glancing to the younger members, he doubts he's the only one.

"You're not as thin as last time I hugged you," Himchan observes, sounding amazed, when finally letting go.

"I've been eating," Yongguk replies with a grin.

Youngjae and Jongup almost throw themselves at Yongguk at the same time, not wanting to wait for their turn. Youngjae excitedly tells Yongguk how happy he is to see him again, and Daehyun can hear the slight tremor in his friend's voice. Jongup doesn't say much, but he's smiling brightly, and the leader pinches his cheeks.

When Yongguk's gaze finally lands on Daehyun, Daehyun can't decide whether he's been longing or dreading for this moment. He smiles shyly, thinking for one horrible moment that Yongguk won't hug him. But Yongguk steps up to him without an ounce of hesitation, his smile unwavering, and pulls Daehyun into a solid embrace. Daehyun lets himself melt into it, thankful that Yongguk is the only one who notices.

They separate, and Daehyun tries not to be disappointed by how Yongguk doesn't seek out his gaze afterwards.

"Alright, let's talk more inside," Himchan decides, just as they're all about to bomb Yongguk with questions.

Yongguk gives him a thankful look, and they enter the restaurant in a close-knit group of six.

Of course they can't stay quiet, even as they look through the menus. No one asks Yongguk outright how he is, if he's _okay_ , because they know it's not that simple. Instead they ask if he's been eating or sleeping well, if he had a nice time with his family. Yongguk dodges the questions about sleep but happily tells them he's spent a lot of time with his siblings and friends, and assures them Tigger is happy and healthy.

"Bbang," Himchan suddenly says, looking up from the list of beverages. "You wanna share a bottle?"

"Ah," Yongguk says, looking somewhat apologetic. "No alcohol for me."

He looks up to meet Daehyun's eyes across the table. It's the first acknowledgement of that night, and Daehyun's heart leaps at the fact that Yongguk hasn't forgotten, or pretends like he has. They maintain eye-contact for a short moment before they both look away.

"Oh," Himchan says, seeming a little lost. "Right."

"I'll share with you, hyung," Jongup says softly.

Himchan grins at him, resting a hand on the back of Jongup's neck for a moment before returning his attention to the menu.

It's obvious, Daehyun observes, that they haven't seen each other for quite some time. Their group has always been close, able to talk comfortably about a lot of subjects other than music, but after seeing each other every single day for weeks on end, there's never a need for catching up. There's usually no rush, whilst right now they're all acting as if they're running on limited time—throwing a new question Yongguk's way the very second he's finished answer the previous one.

As if this is a stolen moment, and Daehyun supposes in some ways it is.

"How's your mom, hyung?" Youngjae asks a little later when their food has arrived.

Most fans know Youngjae as the sassy and confident one, when in reality he's a really great friend who takes care of those he loves. He's got that _sensitivity_ he so rarely shows on camera. Daehyun sometimes wishes _he_ had some of that; that he could understand people as well as Youngjae does, and realize when they might need space. What to say and not, depending on the situation.

"Better," Yongguk responds, and the relief is evident in his voice. "We're planning a family vacation at the beginning of next year. Since… I'm not going to Japan with you guys to finish the tour."

"Which is fine," Himchan says firmly, before Yongguk even has the chance to look apologetic. "It's stupid anyway, to have the last couple shows almost an entire year after the tour started. The company is already talking about our _next_ world tour."

Yongguk chuckles, giving Himchan a thankful little smile, before they all dive into the food.

Of course, the conversations don't stop there.

It's no secret that Himchan has been reporting to Yongguk on how they've been doing while he's been absent, but Yongguk still asks. He compliments them all, saying he's been watching as much as he could of the stuff they appeared on. He tells them he's proud of them.

"I know I don't say it enough," Yongguk says, his voice serious, "but I always am."

Daehyun swallows around the lump in his throat. It's true—their leader is frugal with compliments, just like he is with words in general. But that is also how they know, once he does praise them, that they've done a good job.

"Jongup-ah," Yongguk goes on, looking over to Jongup who practically freezes on the spot at the attention. "You, especially. You really carried this comeback. You did so well, and I'm very proud of how much you've grown."

The others don't hesitate to hum and nod in agreement, while Jongup looks nearly bewildered. He ducks his head down, chuckling shyly.

"Thanks, hyung."

Daehyun grins, because Jongup deserves all the praise he could get. In the beginning, Jongup had only been recognized for his dancing skills. It's the only reason the company wanted him, why they gave him a spot in the group. People said he couldn't sing, that he was way too shy, even going as far to say he was seemed stupid.

But over the years, little by little, Jongup has broken out of his shell. The more confident and charismatic Jongup had started to shine through, even on camera. He'd worked so hard to improve his singing, despite being asked why he even bothered, since he was supposed to just be a dancer.

Yongguk had always believed in him. He'd pushed to give Jongup more lines, to give him the chance to shine, and had been beyond supportive when Jongup started working on his own songs. The fact that he's the first member to get his solo song on one of their albums is no small feat, and no one had argued when Yongguk wanted to make him the face of the Noir album. Literally.

While they eat, Daehyun catches Himchan's eyes following every piece of food making its way into Yongguk's mouth. In the past, Yongguk had often gotten frustrated by how Himchan aggressively tries taking care of him. Daehyun almost worries for a second, that Yongguk will notice Himchan watching him now and stop eat altogether, but he seems oblivious. Or if he isn't, he doesn't show it.

Back in the car, they had agreed not to ask Yongguk when he planned on coming back, or talk too specifically about plans for next year, but eventually they end up there anyway. Daehyun figures it's hard not to, considering it's such a big part of them.

"I've… started to write on something," Yongguk admits, hesitantly. "Only small parts. I don't know if it'll turn into a song. But… yeah."

Daehyun can't deny the stir of excitement he feels, and instantly feels guilty about it. But it just feels good, to hear their leader talk about a future where he'll be back with them. Like there's no other option.

"Something you wanna share?" Himchan asks.

"Ah," Yongguk says. "No. It's—"

But Himchan is already waving his hands.

"It's fine, Bbang. Just asking." He narrows his eyes. "You know you're not _really_ supposed to work right now."

Yongguk scoffs, blushing faintly.

"I know. I just can't help it." He takes a breath, exhaling softly. "But it feels different now," he admits. "It doesn't feel like…working. I used to be pressured by approaching deadlines, knowing I would always need to have something for the next song. But now I just… write because I want to? It's— I haven't felt like that in a long time."

"That's really good, hyung," Youngjae says, smiling.

Yongguk nods, teeth showing as he smiles right back. It's probably the most honest smile Daehyun has seen on him in months.

"Yeah. It is."

They remain seated long after they've finished eating, just chatting. Yongguk tells them how he's started to work out with his brother every now and then, and being forced to drink green smoothies. He seems happy about it, and Daehyun thinks that it's a good combination. Spending time with Yongnam, while also getting back into something he once had the energy and time for, but hasn't for a long time.

"Ah," Junhong sighs suddenly. "Now I really want a smoothie. Not one of those gross green ones, but a strawberry. Or mango."

Himchan scoffs accusingly.

"You just said you were full like five minutes ago!"

"On _food_ , yes," Junhong reasons, smiling brightly. "It's different, hyung."

Himchan playfully slaps the maknae's shoulder. They laugh, the leader's wheezy chuckle vowed in with the rest of them, and the sound is so familiar. Everything is just like it's supposed to be.

"I'd like a coffee, actually," Yongguk hums, once they've all calmed down a bit.

"Yah, let's walk to the café nearby," Youngjae suggests, looking excited. "I want a latte."

"Great idea," Himchan decides, and the others make noises of agreement. "I'll just get the check, and pay."

"I'll pay," Yongguk protests. "That was the plan, all along. I wanted—"

"Not my plan," Himchan says simply. "You can pay for the drinks, if you must. But dinner is on me."

Yongguk sighs, but he's smiling. Daehyun watches it stiffen for a moment, before the leader stands from his chair.

"I'll wait outside then, if that's okay," he says, apologetically. "I just gotta—" He gestures to the door, looking ashamed as he sighs. "I'm trying to quit. I'm down to one or two just every other day. I just—"

"It's okay, hyung," Youngjae instantly assures him, and the others echo his words.

"We're not judging you, Bbang, geez," Himchan continues, actually sounding offended.

Yongguk chuckles, looking relieved as he puts his jacket on.

"I'll go with you," Daehyun blurts out, standing up.

Five pair of eyes are instantly on him; four of them look surprised, and one… something else.

"Wait," Youngjae says, confused. " _You_ did quit, didn't you?"

"I just feel like it," Daehyun shrugs, trying to look nonchalant while putting his jacket back on. He pauses, meeting Yongguk's eyes. "Unless… you'd rather go alone, of course."

Yongguk shakes his head, face unreadable.

"I don't mind company."

As he and Yongguk circle the table to head for the entrance, he catches Himchan giving him a look. He's not sure what it means, but it looks _encouraging_ , which confuses Daehyun as much as it makes him blush. He pretends not to notice.

Outside, Daehyun bunches up his shoulders and shoves both hands into his pockets in an attempt to shut out the cold. He silently follows Yongguk as they head around the corner, out of sight from the windows of the restaurant and the busy street. There's a public ashtray against one of the walls in the alley, and Yongguk stops a few feet away from it to dig out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket. He takes one out and holds it up towards Daehyun who shakes his head, smiling sheepishly.

"I just wanted to talk to you," he admits.

Yongguk brings the offered cigarette to his own lips, nodding.

"I figured."

Daehyun's heart skips a beat, watching Yongguk take a lighter from the pocket of his jacket and hold it up in front of his mouth. He shields the small flame from the wind with a cupped palm, taking his first drag with the cigarette secured between his lips as he pockets the lighter again. Their eyes meet through the first cloud of smoke, and Daehyun's stomach is in knots.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out.

Yongguk watches him for a moment, gaze traveling between Daehyun's eyes.

"What for?" He asks, voice low.

"Everything?" Daehyun suggests, feeling himself blush. "Coming to you like that. For falling asleep on you. For running away without—" He swallows, not sure how to end that sentence. "Just… everything. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"And I told you it was okay," Yongguk reminds him, taking the cigarette between two of his fingers. "And to stop apologizing. I meant it."

"Still," Daehyun mumbles, looking down to where he's scraping his foot against the asphalt.

"You were having a bad day," Yongguk says calmly. "I wasn't."

"But you've had _plenty_ of bad days," Daehyun insists. "It still doesn't add up."

"Daehyun-ah." The leader's voice is firm, but not unkind. It's the voice he uses when he really needs his dongsaengs to listen to him—the closest thing Bang Yongguk will ever come to raising his voice. "Stop it."

Daehyun swallows, nodding without looking up. He feels as if he's being scolded, except he isn't. He's being reassured, just like he'd been the night he came over.

Yongguk looks down at the cigarette in his hand.

"The fact of the matter is," he says after a moment, "that night you needed me more than I needed you."

Daehyun feels something hot stir inside his chest.

 _I want to be there for you when you need me,_ he wants to say. _Please need me._

"Yeah," he croaks instead.

It's the truth, anyway. Himchan once told him he's the definition of 'needy', and Daehyun can't really argue with that. He needs attention. He needs reassurance. It makes him feel acknowledged, makes him feel _good_. And he feels horrible, for being jealous of Yongguk's friends for spending so much time with him recently. For Yongguk hanging out with them instead of his members. He hates that he's so jealous of Himchan and Junhong, for being even closer to the leader than he is. For receiving Yongguk's affection so effortlessly.

Daehyun feels guilty, for craving that kind of acknowledgement from Yongguk. That night, he'd needed it more than anything.

Yongguk sighs, smoke flowing out of his mouth. He scratches the back of his head with his free hand.

"I just wish—" He starts, but interrupts himself. He looks troubled, brows furrowed where he looks at the ground, and Daehyun waits for him to start over. "I wish things wouldn't get awkward between us. You and me. And that's not— It's not _your_ fault, I know that."

He looks as if he's got more to say, so Daehyun waits for him to continue. Despite how nervous it always makes him feel, he knows the leader wants time to collect his thought before speaking out loud. It's one of their greatest opposites; Daehyun has no brain-to-mouth filter.

"I know I'm… difficult, sometimes," Yongguk says finally, frowning at his own words. As if unsure he picked the right ones. "I don't talk enough, I disappear inside my head. I'm not good with… confrontations."

"It's okay," Daehyun tries to reassure him, but Yongguk just shakes his head.

"No. I don't—"

"No, it really is, hyung."

Yongguk blinks.

Daehyun isn't scared to talk back to people; he does it with all his friends—younger and older. He doesn't _mean_ to interrupt others, but it happens regularly. There's just so much he wants to _say_ , all the damn time. With Himchan and other hyungs, he sees it as a sign of how close they are, being able to drop formalities and pick on each other. He doesn't think twice about interrupting or disagree with them.

With Yongguk, it's different. His own affections aside, he really respects Yongguk. Probably more than anyone he knows. But he doesn't like the thought of Yongguk thinking of himself as _difficult_ , of hearing him talk as if he needs to _change_.

"There's nothing wrong with the way you are, hyung," Daehyun says, voice steadier than he'd expected it to be. "It's okay that you're quiet. You don't need to be like me, or Himchannie-hyung, or Youngjae. We're—" He shrugs helplessly. "We complete each other, don't we? All six of us. We level each other out. That's what we always say, isn't it?"

Yongguk swallows, Adam's apple bobbing, but nods slowly. He looks sad, and not for the first time Daehyun wonders how much time Yongguk has spent locked up inside his own head lately. If maybe all this free time is allowing him to spend way too much time with his darker thoughts.

Daehyun knows they're there. They all do.

Yongguk stands quiet for a moment, cigarette burning in his hand whilst looking at the ground.

"Sometimes—" He stops, pressing his lips together for a moment. As if unsure whether he should go on. "Sometimes I wonder how much of me that is just _me,_ and how much that is just… my mental illness. When it's been with me for so long, how can I even separate it from my personality anymore? I can't stop wondering if there could've been a different version of me—a better one—if I never got depressed?"

It's a confession, whispered into the night, and it tugs at Daehyun's heartstrings. Because this is a side of Yongguk he rarely gets to see; the side Yongguk won't _let_ him see. Often reserved for Himchan and their late night talks, or his songwriting with Junhong.

Daehyun hesitates for a long time.

"Happier, maybe," he admits quietly. "Not better."

Yongguk looks up, their eyes meeting in silence. Daehyun feels heat coil in his lower stomach, heart clenching. Because Yongguk looks so _open_ , so different to how he'd been earlier this year. Back when the dark circles under Yongguk's eyes never went away. The way he used to purse his lips and clench his jaw, muting himself to keep everything locked in somewhere deep inside of him. How he'd seemed like he was gonna burst with it, sometimes. Because he refused to make the other members worry about him. Let _anyone_ worry about him.

"I'll never know," Yongguk says after a moment, voice low as he breaks eye-contact. "And that's what pisses me off the most." He sighs, lifting his chin to look up at the starry night sky. Daehyun's gaze follows the long curve of his throat. "This is all I am now. All I can be."

Daehyun swallows around the lump in his throat.

"Yeah," he mumbles.

 _Understanding_ flashes across Yongguk's face as he looks back at him, sadness seeping into his expression. Because Yongguk _knows_. He knows Daehyun understands what he means, because he knows exactly what Daehyun went through those dark months during the hiatus. Because Yongguk was one of the main reasons he even made it through.

The leader sighs softly, breaking the stretched silence. He looks away, going to put out the cigarette despite having nearly half of it left.

"I really am gonna quit," he mutters, dusting his hands off as he steps away from the ashtray again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… spill all that, like this. We were having a nice time." Wistfully, he looks to where they'd come from. "Today was a good day."

The butterflies in Daehyun's belly swirl.

"It's still a good day," he says softly.

Yongguk meets his eyes again, and the smile tugging at his mouth makes Daehyun feel all warm and fuzzy. Yongguk exhales, ducking his head and sliding both hands into his pockets. Daehyun expects him to gesture for him to follow as they head back inside to rejoin the others, but Yongguk isn't moving. Daehyun waits for him to speak.

"You've been quiet," he says at last.

Daehyun's heart skips a beat.

"I wasn't sure how to…act," he admits, voice low. "I was— I was worried you were upset with me."

Yongguk shakes his head, eyes still downcast.

"No. That night—" He hesitates, and Daehyun waits. "You weren't the only one who needed that," he mumbles.

Daehyun parts his lips, not sure what to say. The butterflies in his stomach stir violently, and his heart does something funny. He's got no clue what his face is doing, but Yongguk looks at him and chuckles. The tips of his ears are red, and Daehyun wonders if it's from the cold or not.

"Come on," the leader hums, a faint smile playing on his lips. "Let's catch up with the others."

They walk together, all six of them. The sidewalks are lit up by trees covered in lights, and they shift between walking three and three, and two and two, as the path ahead narrows or grows wider. They talk over the noise from the busy traffic, laugh at Himchan embarrassing all of them in front of a by-passing old couple, and bump elbows with each other the entire way to the café.

Once there, Yongguk tells them to pick whatever drink they want, and they gather around a small wooden table in the corner. There's always the risk of being recognized in places like this, but no one is turning their head.

The picture is Daehyun's idea.

He's happy, the happiest he's been in a long time, and knows his members can tell. He wants to share this moment with the babyz, whom he knows long for all six of them to be together again, for real. The members don't need much convincing, grinning as they place their hands on top of each other's on the table surface. Himchan's is at the bottom, followed by Daehyun's who gets Jongup and Junhong's on top. Youngjae, of course, waits to place his hand at the very top of the messy pyramid.

Yongguk puts his hand mostly on top of Junhong's, his fingertips brushing against Youngjae's across the pile. Daehyun holds up his phone, looking for the best angle and distance, when feeling his thumb brush the inside of Yongguk's palm. He takes the shot.

 

 

_to me  
you are more precious than anyone in this world_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Kim Bum Soo's "To Me" translated by [daematos](http://daematos.tumblr.com/) ♡
> 
> Kudos make me happy but comments are what keeps me going!  
> Feel free to tell me if there are any certain aspects or dynamics you want to see more of moving forward :)


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